IT’S MY BLOGIVERSARY FOR 1 MORE MINUTE

HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY TO MEEEEEE

If this published time stamps, ya’ll would have seen the 11:59pm and felt the rush that I just did.

Now that I can come in and edit let me tell you that bringing blogging back into my life has been a very wise decision. It doesn’t feel as secret as it used to, but I suppose that’s the point of blogs these days isn’t it? And shouldn’t that be the way? I used to put things on the internet with the intent that it will get lost. Like shoving all your feelings in the Room of Requirement. Now I feel like that lady rolling her dirty laundry down the street to the laundromat. No towel tucked on top to cover her shame. Unabashed dirty laundry comin atcha.*

Yup. That’s me.

Over the past year I’ve made so many blogger friends and have been using this place as an outlet for some deep feelings, as I cover it with fluffy posts about books and makeup. I love what this space is becoming. I love obsessing over the layout every few months. It feels very comfortable, like I’m participating in a hobby that’s kind of second nature.

Basically, this is rad and I’m making sure my annual domain renewal charge feels worth it.

Thanks for sticking around.

*Actually I try to rein in my personal drama and think critically before I publish a post so my blog isn’t a hot mess. Let’s be honest, nobody likes that girl at the laundromat.

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Big Feelings

Here’s the thing.

I’m an idiot.

(Romantically.)

I often let my heart get carried away before my head knows what’s going on. I can’t help it. I can fall in love in a day or two, which is insane. Brooklyn Nine-Nine has a term for it: going “Full Boyle.” It really just means getting in over your head in love (which ends up biting you in the ass). Normally I can distance myself from my Full Boyle behaviour and come off as a normal functioning human person, but if the person I’m interested in shows signs of mutual Full Boyle-ness I let my defenses fall. And by that I mean I open wide the gates of my heart and throw a welcome party.

At first it was working out in my favour. It felt like something real and significant was happening. It hadn’t been a long time but we became very close and spent a lot of time together. We were making plans. Little trips, things we wanted to do together. He asked me to make an actual list of stuff we should do together while he was away in Mexico. So I did. I put it in my bullet journal and made it all pretty. Some things for now-ish, other things for the summer.

The week went by really slow because I was so used to spending every other evening with him. The day after he came back we talked. Mexico was good, but he got really sick towards the end. I’ve been sick while abroad before, it’s not fun and you just want to go home. You want comfort. And for him, that was his ex. They’d been broken up for a year but he realized he still had some unresolved feelings that he needed to deal with, on his own. He was very kind to me when he said we couldn’t see each other anymore, and I understood. He didn’t know he had these latent feelings until he got sick, so I can’t be mad at him for allowing me to believe we were going to be something substantial. Telling me ASAP and taking the space and time he needs to heal is the best thing for both of us.

But here remains me, running full speed into a potential relationship and slamming face first into a brick wall. And that brick wall hurt. It hurt more than it should for something that lasted less than a month. I cried. A lot. I had a friend come over to spend some time with me. She brought me flowers and ice cream and chocolate. (What a gal!) It felt like a breakup, and it took me a weekend for my emotions to settle down. I took a couple of long thinking showers to figure out how I felt. You know the kind I mean. The result:

I’d do it again.

I have no regrets about what happened. I don’t want to be the kind of person that doesn’t let people in because they’re scared of getting hurt. I don’t want to be callous. I want to let things affect me; to learn from them and let them become a part of me. I want to be the kind of person to have big dreams; big thoughts; big feelings.

Sunday Self-Love: Sept-Oct 2016

I told myself I would be doing these and I AM DOING THESE! I wanted to make them a once-a-month thing but I forgot to do it for a while, so here are some self-proclaimed Nikita Excellence™ and various ways I’ve been showing myself kindness.

  1. Cleaning my space. My head has been feeling cluttered and unclear so I took a couple of days to really clean and organize my space so I can feel like a grown woman in charge of my own life. I played “The Desired Effect” by Brandon Flowers on vinyl twice. It’s so happy and 80s-sounding and makes me feel like dancing and making my life better. I realize I put this on my last SSL post but at least you know I clean my room once a month.
  2. Forgiving myself for being imperfect in an imperfect body. You may have seen my previous post My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss) that I’ve been fluctuating in my weight because FEELINGS. My body image and sense of comfort in my body has suffered but I’ve made the decision to let myself feel the feelings and cope with feelings. I shouldn’t beat myself up over something to temporary.
  3. I started using my agenda again to get shit done. I also bought a Passion Planner to REALLY get shit done.
  4. Attending Queen’s 2016 Homecoming! It has been 5 years since I graduated and I have a lot of feelings about Queen’s University, my growth, and the people I’ve crossed paths with. It was really great going back! (Longer post about this pending.)
  5. I listened to the Hamilton soundtrack and it has healed me.
  6. I made an active real effort to read more. I haven’t finished a book yet because I haven’t fallen into any that I love, but it feels sooooo nice to curl up in a blanket and read something for a few hours. I began Daughters Who Walk This Path by Yejide Kilanko and I’ve been sitting halfway through Harry Potter and the Cursed Child for a while now. Mostly it’s been listening to M is for Magic by Neil Gaiman on audiobook as I drift off to sleep.

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell: Book vs. BBC

Intended for people who know the story, but not overly spoilery if you don’t.

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell became one of my favourite books as I was reading it. By bookworm standards I am an exceptionally slow reader, and Jonathan Strange is exceptionally large. It took me quite a while to read it which turned it into a bit of a retreat into a dark, stormy, magical place. It just feels like something to read in the fall, when the air is crisp and it gets dark early. It reminds me of something Hermione would have read at Hogwarts regarding the history of magic in England, especially with all of the footnotes. Some span for pages.

Rather than try (and fail) to re-read the whole book this season, I decided to give the mini-series a try. I remember the trailers for it and I was quite pleased, given what I had imagined while reading the book. I had always imagined Jonathan to be more of a Tom Hiddleston but after watching the whole series I think Bertie Carvel was perfect.

Eddie Marsan’s Norrell almost hit home. He could have done with some more grump and misanthropy. 8.5/10

I didn’t really agree with the characterization of the faerie with thistle-down hair. I think he should have been more playful and mischievous but he was portrayed as very menacing and malicious.

I actually always pictured him with a bouffant and a mole, but perhaps that’s a little too French.

I was also confused by Childermass. I don’t remember him being so creepy in the book. I’m not sure it was necessary, but it worked so sure.

For the most part, I liked what they decided to keep and discard. Jonathan’s relationship with Flora Greysteel would have muddled the rest of the story and would have detracted from Jonathan and Arabella’s love story. By the way — Jonathan and Arabella are goals af. They just love each other so much omg. The only change that I didn’t quite like was that the BBC version had Jonathan save Arabella from Lost Hope but in the book she found her own way out. I’m a big fan of ladies who save themselves. I can see why they made the change, though, it ties the story together quite well.

As much as I loved seeing all the characters come to life, I think Lady Pole (Alice Englert) stole the whole show. She was sharp and clever, and mad and desperate.

Her refusal to stay married to the man she was sold to was an epic addition that I don’t remember happening in the book. She doesn’t let you forget that she was bargained to a man who, albeit was not particularly unkind, she did not love. It was a stark comparison to Jonathan and Arabella whose relationship was warm and loving even when they fought. A+ performance and characterization.

I really enjoyed watching the mini-series and I’m glad they made it 7 episodes, rather than try to squeeze this huge story into a movie. The characters got to shine and it told the biggest parts of the story. If you have not watched the mini-series, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. And if you have not read the book, there’s so much to discover and enjoy!

My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss)

I try to stay as body positive as I can in public, digital and IRL, but I’m not about to pretend that I don’t have any hangups about my body. I try to make a habit of reminding myself that all bodies are good and there is nothing wrong with carrying a bit of extra weight, but I find that these two parts of my brain bicker like an old married couple.

I eat more (and extremely poorly) when I’m going through some emotional turbulence. These days it’s been a mix of dad-related anxiety and mourning my late kitty.

Little man got hit by a car. He was 3 years old.

Hawksley used to try to eat all the cats’ food until he made himself sick. I 100% used this logic in justifying my overeating. Hawksley would want me to gorge my face. I’m honouring him!

Some days I’ll tell myself that eating so much unhealthy food is not being kind to my body. My skin is breaking out and my energy levels are low. At the same time: fuck all y’all I want Cheetos and I have makeup for my skin. People try to act like gaining weight is the worst thing that can happen to you and I don’t want to buy into that narrative by becoming overly concerned with my weight.

(at least that’s what I tell myself)

So I allow myself to gain some weight, and not fault myself too much for my emotional eating “away move” (as we call it in therapy). What’s the worst that can happen?

I get mistaken for pregnant. Some dude at work wished my luck with my pregnancy. Didn’t ask, just wished me luck. I’m not overly affected by it since I know I gain weight solely in my belly. I’m a little soft. Could pass for 3-4 months preggo I guess.

Worry not! I’m good at picking out flattering clothes. Except… woops, nothing fits anymore. Leggings, let me embrace you! I’m just going to pretend my denim collection isn’t there.

Now I gotta fit back into my clothes because I’m certainly not going to pay money for new clothes as a result of eating too much cheesecake.

Time to re-discover my love of fitness. I really genuinely like to work out, but getting started after a break like this is always difficult and telling yourself “I want to be thinner” doesn’t always cut it. What does cut it is “I want to be strong again” and not getting winded by the stairs. It may take a while but I’ll get back on track with eating well, indulging within moderation, and working out, and slowly my body begins to feel like my own again instead of the physical results of emotional strain.

Soon I’ll be back to being a boss champ and posting to my fitness Instagram more regularly (@nikfitonium). At least until the next emotional crisis.

MAC X Star Trek Collection

This year marked the release of the newest Star Trek film as well as the franchise’s 50th anniversary. What a perfect time to release a Star Trek-themed makeup collection! While I don’t have the funds to buy the collection nor the influence to get free samples, I can still talk at length about it!

MAC’s hella sparkly collection consists of a lot of vibrant golds, pinks, purples, blues, and greens. You can create some really cool spacey-wacey looks, as they’ve demonstrated on their website, or you can use the colour scheme in your everyday looks. The collection is quite vast, so I’ll only be focusing on some select items but you can check out the full collection on the MAC website.

Trip The Light Fantastic Powders, $39.50 CAD

From left to right: Luna Luster, Strange New Worlds, Highly Illogical

These beautiful pearly powders have a wide range of uses for a number of different skin tones. They could be used as a sparkly powder, highlighter, or bronzer. I would personally use Highly Illogical to highlight tf out of my cheekbones. Here is a swatch on light skin from Revelist, and here is a swatch on dark skin from Fancieland.

Pressed Pigment Eye Shadow, $27.50 CAD

Photo: ommorphia beauty bar

Photo: ommorphia beauty bar

From left to right: To Boldly Go, Midnight, Bird of Prey, The Naked Time

I think a lot of the promo photos of this collection is a little over-saturated. This photo from Ommorphia Beauty Bar seems to be one of the more accurate photos of all four colours. These pigments are really beautiful and work really well with one another. I think these colours would work really well on dark skin as well as light, especially when applied wet.

Lipstick, $22.50 CAD

From left to right: The Enemy Within, LLAP, Klingiton, Where No Man Has Gone Before

I’m kind of in love with The Enemy Within. Fancieland’s swatch shows how beautifully vibrant it is on her skin and I just want to be a golden goddess. (She also swatched the lip glosses which I won’t be talking about here because I’m not really a gloss girl.) All four shades seem extremely flattering with glints of sparkle. LLAP is also a beautiful champagne-coloured shimmer that would complement most skin tones.

Nail Lacquer, $16.50 CAD

From left to right: Skin of Evil, Holladeck, Enterprise

My experience with MAC nail lacquers has been very positive. Quick drying, very opaque (often only  needing one coat), and long-lasting. I would love to add a few more MAC colours to my nail collection. Holladeck and Enterprise seem to be very shimmery opaque metallics, whereas Skin of Evil is an olive-coloured chunky glitter that can be worn alone or over top another colour. (Skin of Evil on top of Holladeck would give some serious Loki vibes but woops, wrong fandom!)

Will you be picking up anything from this collection? What’s your favourite?