I’ve been reluctant to post anything on here until I wrote about my trip to India, but I don’t think I can really express what I went through emotionally and mentally over those 3 weeks. The trip was a journey in introspection. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Where do I come from? Where am I going?
I have been struggling with the notion of moving back in with my parents. To most people, that’s not a huge deal; Maybe a bit of a bummer, being a grown adult and moving back in with mom and dad. But the turmoil runs much deeper for me. I’ve had a very very strenuous relationship with my dad and when I moved out 3 years ago it was not on good terms. I used to write about our fights all the time in my old LiveJournals but have since stopped sharing much of my home life online. For one, I don’t like the idea of painting him as a villain to everyone who knows me online. I don’t feel like that’s fair of me, and the things I write in anger are surely not accurate.
What I’ve learned in the past 3 years is that we are both battling our own demons, but with some compassion, patience, and forgiveness, there’s no reason we can’t have a relationship or even live together. It will not be easy in the least. There’s tension between our generation gap, our culture gap, and our language skills (English is not his first language, and he can often come off as rude unintentionally).
I can’t say this move is going to be easy, but I know it’s right. I’ve known for a while I would need to do it and I’ve been making excuses. It needs to happen and it needs to be now. I know we’re capable of coexisting and we need to try.
Before I can really get to settling in, I need to change my bedroom. I spent a lot of nights in these walls wailing, feeling anxious, angry, spiteful, depressed, forlorn, and unloved. Oftentimes I feel like those emotions have seeped into walls and reinfect me when I least expect. I explained this to my mom and thankfully she didn’t think I was insane. I don’t know if she explained it to Dad, but he gave me no trouble about wanting to repaint my room and he made no objections to the ocean blue I picked out. (It’s very calming!) I also mentioned I wanted to paint my bathroom since we still have the contractor’s paint in there, so this turned into a week of me painting my room, 2 bathrooms, and my parents’ bedroom. (Not that I mind – I love to paint!) I think a fresh coat is just what we need. Cover up the holes, scratches, and stains, and get started on something new.