My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss)

I try to stay as body positive as I can in public, digital and IRL, but I’m not about to pretend that I don’t have any hangups about my body. I try to make a habit of reminding myself that all bodies are good and there is nothing wrong with carrying a bit of extra weight, but I find that these two parts of my brain bicker like an old married couple.

I eat more (and extremely poorly) when I’m going through some emotional turbulence. These days it’s been a mix of dad-related anxiety and mourning my late kitty.

Little man got hit by a car. He was 3 years old.

Hawksley used to try to eat all the cats’ food until he made himself sick. I 100% used this logic in justifying my overeating. Hawksley would want me to gorge my face. I’m honouring him!

Some days I’ll tell myself that eating so much unhealthy food is not being kind to my body. My skin is breaking out and my energy levels are low. At the same time: fuck all y’all I want Cheetos and I have makeup for my skin. People try to act like gaining weight is the worst thing that can happen to you and I don’t want to buy into that narrative by becoming overly concerned with my weight.

(at least that’s what I tell myself)

So I allow myself to gain some weight, and not fault myself too much for my emotional eating “away move” (as we call it in therapy). What’s the worst that can happen?

I get mistaken for pregnant. Some dude at work wished my luck with my pregnancy. Didn’t ask, just wished me luck. I’m not overly affected by it since I know I gain weight solely in my belly. I’m a little soft. Could pass for 3-4 months preggo I guess.

Worry not! I’m good at picking out flattering clothes. Except… woops, nothing fits anymore. Leggings, let me embrace you! I’m just going to pretend my denim collection isn’t there.

Now I gotta fit back into my clothes because I’m certainly not going to pay money for new clothes as a result of eating too much cheesecake.

Time to re-discover my love of fitness. I really genuinely like to work out, but getting started after a break like this is always difficult and telling yourself “I want to be thinner” doesn’t always cut it. What does cut it is “I want to be strong again” and not getting winded by the stairs. It may take a while but I’ll get back on track with eating well, indulging within moderation, and working out, and slowly my body begins to feel like my own again instead of the physical results of emotional strain.

Soon I’ll be back to being a boss champ and posting to my fitness Instagram more regularly (@nikfitonium). At least until the next emotional crisis.

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9 comments on “My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss)

  1. I have always thought weight gain is just a part of life. You go on a trip and eat a lot of really good food or you go home from college and have a couple beers with friends < this is me. It's hard though to shut out the beauty standards that women are so highly compared to.

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  2. depepi says:

    It feels all too familiar. But I found a way: stairs! Stairs are my friend, so I go up and down at least 50 times a day from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor. 😀 It works for me. (Thought at the beginning it was challenging).

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    • Nikita says:

      This summer I used Pokemon Go as a way to walk more! I’d do like 6-7km a day because the Pokestops in the suburbs are so far apart. It killed my legs but it worked and it got less difficult! Since it started getting chilly I stopped going. The stairs is a good idea! I’ll try that, thanks! My brother left a set of weights here, so I use those as well.

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  3. kaycreate says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your kitty!! That’s awful. 😦 Generally, I try not to overly concern myself with negative self body talk. But sometimes it sneaks up and hits you in the face! When I see old pics of myself I often have the thought of “I was so thin now I’m gross.” which isn’t true. I’m just different! And that’s okay. And I totally relate on enjoying the feel of working out but finding motivation to do so can be tricky.

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  4. Also struggling with overeating in response to emotional upheavals, I can so relate! I too try not to get caught in the negative body image trap, but it can be so hard! I love your take of focusing on getting “strong again” instead of getting”thinner.”

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    • Nikita says:

      Thank you! Sometimes I get to a point where I just want to change my body so the “getting strong” bit can take some time. It’s once you start to feel it that it becomes addicting! I really struggle between body image and negative self-talk when it comes to emotional eating. Just gotta remember to be kind to yourself! (Which can also mean, “put the Doritos down girl you had enough”)

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  5. […] myself for being imperfect in an imperfect body. You may have seen my previous post My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss) that I’ve been fluctuating in my weight because FEELINGS. My body image and sense of comfort […]

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  6. conflictedhealth says:

    I like the part about how your mind bickers like an old married couple. I have been reading the book intuitive eating and it has helped me. I am going to do a review on it later on

    Katie

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