Big Feelings

Here’s the thing.

I’m an idiot.


I often let my heart get carried away before my head knows what’s going on. I can’t help it. I can fall in love in a day or two, which is insane. Brooklyn Nine-Nine has a term for it: going “Full Boyle.” It really just means getting in over your head in love (which ends up biting you in the ass). Normally I can distance myself from my Full Boyle behaviour and come off as a normal functioning human person, but if the person I’m interested in shows signs of mutual Full Boyle-ness I let my defenses fall. And by that I mean I open wide the gates of my heart and throw a welcome party.

At first it was working out in my favour. It felt like something real and significant was happening. It hadn’t been a long time but we became very close and spent a lot of time together. We were making plans. Little trips, things we wanted to do together. He asked me to make an actual list of stuff we should do together while he was away in Mexico. So I did. I put it in my bullet journal and made it all pretty. Some things for now-ish, other things for the summer.

The week went by really slow because I was so used to spending every other evening with him. The day after he came back we talked. Mexico was good, but he got really sick towards the end. I’ve been sick while abroad before, it’s not fun and you just want to go home. You want comfort. And for him, that was his ex. They’d been broken up for a year but he realized he still had some unresolved feelings that he needed to deal with, on his own. He was very kind to me when he said we couldn’t see each other anymore, and I understood. He didn’t know he had these latent feelings until he got sick, so I can’t be mad at him for allowing me to believe we were going to be something substantial. Telling me ASAP and taking the space and time he needs to heal is the best thing for both of us.

But here remains me, running full speed into a potential relationship and slamming face first into a brick wall. And that brick wall hurt. It hurt more than it should for something that lasted less than a month. I cried. A lot. I had a friend come over to spend some time with me. She brought me flowers and ice cream and chocolate. (What a gal!) It felt like a breakup, and it took me a weekend for my emotions to settle down. I took a couple of long thinking showers to figure out how I felt. You know the kind I mean. The result:

I’d do it again.

I have no regrets about what happened. I don’t want to be the kind of person that doesn’t let people in because they’re scared of getting hurt. I don’t want to be callous. I want to let things affect me; to learn from them and let them become a part of me. I want to be the kind of person to have big dreams; big thoughts; big feelings.


6 comments on “Big Feelings

  1. I think that’s a wise way of looking at the situation. If I was afraid of getting hurt, I wouldn’t be dating my boyfriend now and we have been together for 2 years now!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nikita says:

      I think a part of not being afraid to get hurt also comes with knowing that I’ll be okay afterwards. One of my girl friends made sure they were available for me. She brought me lots of feel-better things and we hung out in my bed and talked. In the broad sense, nothing changed from my life. My parents were excited for a boyfriend they could like (which is a part of why it hurt me so much). My life goes on as it always has and I’m still surrounded by friends and loved ones. I spent the rest of the year single so I shouldn’t let this feel like the END. (Which is does, at times.)


  2. kaycreate says:

    Sometimes running in full speed is a good thing, as long as you know that you’ll always be okay if it doesn’t work out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve’ as the saying goes, as long as you don’t feel like you NEED someone else to be okay. Sounds like you’ve got a great handle on it, and there’s nothing wrong with big feelings! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nikita says:

      Big feelings are great! I wrote this with the intention to show people that it’s not that scary. It hurts, yes, as expected. But when you walk away from a breakup and look at what’s left of your life, it’s all the same. It’s the same friends who love you, family who support you, the work space where you feel safe and needed. Soon after a breakup, I assess my life. Do I need to get rid of anything? Delete old IG pics? Nothing, really, except for the page in my bullet journal that’s getting ceremoniously burned later.


  3. depepi says:

    Big feelings is what make us human. You need to do what you feel you need if you’re doing it for the right reasons. As long as you feel independent, and don’t feel like you need someone else to be happy, you’ll be fine 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nikita says:

      That’s just it! I spent a lot of time working on myself in the past: getting myself to love my own company and my own body and my own mind. So when a person comes and leaves, I remain with myself (whom I love!!). I was really enjoying sharing myself with this person, so it’s very sad that it is so abruptly over. What can ya do though? Just keep on keepin on.


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