If this published time stamps, ya’ll would have seen the 11:59pm and felt the rush that I just did.

Now that I can come in and edit let me tell you that bringing blogging back into my life has been a very wise decision. It doesn’t feel as secret as it used to, but I suppose that’s the point of blogs these days isn’t it? And shouldn’t that be the way? I used to put things on the internet with the intent that it will get lost. Like shoving all your feelings in the Room of Requirement. Now I feel like that lady rolling her dirty laundry down the street to the laundromat. No towel tucked on top to cover her shame. Unabashed dirty laundry comin atcha.*

Yup. That’s me.

Over the past year I’ve made so many blogger friends and have been using this place as an outlet for some deep feelings, as I cover it with fluffy posts about books and makeup. I love what this space is becoming. I love obsessing over the layout every few months. It feels very comfortable, like I’m participating in a hobby that’s kind of second nature.

Basically, this is rad and I’m making sure my annual domain renewal charge feels worth it.

Thanks for sticking around.

*Actually I try to rein in my personal drama and think critically before I publish a post so my blog isn’t a hot mess. Let’s be honest, nobody likes that girl at the laundromat.


Niagara Falls for Labour Day

This weekend is officially the last weekend of the summer! At least, student summer. I will continue to enjoy the gorgeous weather and go to work. But my mom thought it would be nice to get out of the house/city and do something a little different. Niagara Falls isn’t too far from Toronto; about an hour drive, but for us it was an hour and half with all the college kids moving in. (Haw haw, have fun paying thousands to be emotionally tortured making friends and shaping your bright future in our toppled economy!)

I’m not sure if going was the best idea because I was irrationally grumpy but I tried very hard to be pleasant. It was difficult because I wasn’t in the mood for crowds or bickering about which direction to go. A couple of things brightened my mood. One of which was this super rad car:

It's like a convertible Batmobile?

It’s like a convertible Batmobile?

And second of which was this souvenir sign:

I dont know if this is supposed to be a dirty joke but it is and I love it

A+ Outstanding

If you’re able to tune out the touristy jungle, Niagara Falls is actually a great place to lose yourself in thoughts. You stare at the water falling, unending, rushing, eroding, and not giving a fuck about how grand it is. It just is and it’s magnificent.


Also there is a perma-rainbow.


The American side

My mom lives for Niagara at night when they put coloured spot lights on the falls. (They do fireworks at 10pm but we were well on our way home by then.)

My phone’s camera is basically useless at night but here’s a valiant effort at a panoramic view with blue spotlights on the falls.

Niagara Falls isn’t anything new or special to us because we’ve been a few times and it’s a nearby tourist spot, but it’s nice to step back and appreciate that this is basically in our back yard and people travel from across the globe to see it.



Rapunzel vs Gothel

I told myself I’d stay away from this topic because it’s too sensitive and too personal. I thought my old LiveJournal entries were a mistake, but I’m realizing I needed the outlet. I’m back to living with a parent who used to emotionally abuse and manipulate me, and he still kind of does. He tells me what’s good for me without explaining why. He expects me to blindly obey. He makes decisions I should be making for myself. He coerced me into a joint bank account so he can keep an eye on my finances.

Before moving out, most of my friends referred to me as Rapunzel — not because of my hair but because I’m trapped in a metaphorical tower.

Making social plans was near impossible. It resulted in me being kind of a hermit, taking up hobbies like painting, baking, reading, knitting, scrapbooking, and vlogging. Not to mention it made me afraid of everything outside my house.

Upon moving back I decided I’m going to be upfront about my plans but he thinks it’s his place to tell me who to socialize with and what activities I can do. I turn 27 in two weeks and this is how I live. My therapist says I need to be the Queen of my own life, and I do intend to. This is going to be the most difficult thing I do. If I want to make a change in this relationship dynamic I need to put on my crown and be a big strong BAMF.

A Fresh Coat for a Fresh Start (I’m Moving!)

I’ve been reluctant to post anything on here until I wrote about my trip to India, but I don’t think I can really express what I went through emotionally and mentally over those 3 weeks. The trip was a journey in introspection. Who am I? Who do I want to become? Where do I come from? Where am I going?

I have been struggling with the notion of moving back in with my parents. To most people, that’s not a huge deal; Maybe a bit of a bummer, being a grown adult and moving back in with mom and dad. But the turmoil runs much deeper for me. I’ve had a very very strenuous relationship with my dad and when I moved out 3 years ago it was not on good terms. I used to write about our fights all the time in my old LiveJournals but have since stopped sharing much of my home life online. For one, I don’t like the idea of painting him as a villain to everyone who knows me online. I don’t feel like that’s fair of me, and the things I write in anger are surely not accurate.

What I’ve learned in the past 3 years is that we are both battling our own demons, but with some compassion, patience, and forgiveness, there’s no reason we can’t have a relationship or even live together. It will not be easy in the least. There’s tension between our generation gap, our culture gap, and our language skills (English is not his first language, and he can often come off as rude unintentionally).

I can’t say this move is going to be easy, but I know it’s right. I’ve known for a while I would need to do it and I’ve been making excuses. It needs to happen and it needs to be now. I know we’re capable of coexisting and we need to try.

Before I can really get to settling in, I need to change my bedroom. I spent a lot of nights in these walls wailing, feeling anxious, angry, spiteful, depressed, forlorn, and unloved. Oftentimes I feel like those emotions have seeped into walls and reinfect me when I least expect. I explained this to my mom and thankfully she didn’t think I was insane. I don’t know if she explained it to Dad, but he gave me no trouble about wanting to repaint my room and he made no objections to the ocean blue I picked out. (It’s very calming!) I also mentioned I wanted to paint my bathroom since we still have the contractor’s paint in there, so this turned into a week of me painting my room, 2 bathrooms, and my parents’ bedroom. (Not that I mind – I love to paint!) I think a fresh coat is just what we need. Cover up the holes, scratches, and stains, and get started on something new.