Big Feelings

Here’s the thing.

I’m an idiot.


I often let my heart get carried away before my head knows what’s going on. I can’t help it. I can fall in love in a day or two, which is insane. Brooklyn Nine-Nine has a term for it: going “Full Boyle.” It really just means getting in over your head in love (which ends up biting you in the ass). Normally I can distance myself from my Full Boyle behaviour and come off as a normal functioning human person, but if the person I’m interested in shows signs of mutual Full Boyle-ness I let my defenses fall. And by that I mean I open wide the gates of my heart and throw a welcome party.

At first it was working out in my favour. It felt like something real and significant was happening. It hadn’t been a long time but we became very close and spent a lot of time together. We were making plans. Little trips, things we wanted to do together. He asked me to make an actual list of stuff we should do together while he was away in Mexico. So I did. I put it in my bullet journal and made it all pretty. Some things for now-ish, other things for the summer.

The week went by really slow because I was so used to spending every other evening with him. The day after he came back we talked. Mexico was good, but he got really sick towards the end. I’ve been sick while abroad before, it’s not fun and you just want to go home. You want comfort. And for him, that was his ex. They’d been broken up for a year but he realized he still had some unresolved feelings that he needed to deal with, on his own. He was very kind to me when he said we couldn’t see each other anymore, and I understood. He didn’t know he had these latent feelings until he got sick, so I can’t be mad at him for allowing me to believe we were going to be something substantial. Telling me ASAP and taking the space and time he needs to heal is the best thing for both of us.

But here remains me, running full speed into a potential relationship and slamming face first into a brick wall. And that brick wall hurt. It hurt more than it should for something that lasted less than a month. I cried. A lot. I had a friend come over to spend some time with me. She brought me flowers and ice cream and chocolate. (What a gal!) It felt like a breakup, and it took me a weekend for my emotions to settle down. I took a couple of long thinking showers to figure out how I felt. You know the kind I mean. The result:

I’d do it again.

I have no regrets about what happened. I don’t want to be the kind of person that doesn’t let people in because they’re scared of getting hurt. I don’t want to be callous. I want to let things affect me; to learn from them and let them become a part of me. I want to be the kind of person to have big dreams; big thoughts; big feelings.


My Netflix Break Up Watch List

The thing about break ups is that half the shit you enjoy automatically gets ruined. I actually had to take the time to think about what has to be veto’d from my life until I’ve healed enough; the music that gets banished from my iPod and the movies that get shelved indefinitely. I can’t watch Tangled for a good long time now. How dare he ruin Tangled for me. And the Mighty Boosh. How rude.

Thankfully, Netflix has a ton of shows and movies sans emotional ties that I can indulge in. The following list has been specifically compiled by me, for me, because it hits the right spots. Namely: empathetic characters, self-discovery, the absence of any relationship that looked like mine, and — most importantly — eye candy.

Gilmore Girls

I know, this show is so old and everyone already loves it. I’m new to this Gilmore bandwagon and I’m starting at the beginning. I finished season 1 last night. (MR. MEDINA!!!!)

It’s a very special brand of “early 2000s” cheese and I love it. The show is essentially about learning and growing and I can get on board with that. Plus Lorelai is such a patient and loving mom, it’s just what I need to be seeing right now. Furthermore, the fact that I’m watching Lorelai make a life for herself and her kid makes me feel like I can do anything and I can do it alone. I could do what Kim’s mom did and just have a kid when I feel ready. Then I’ll have a friend who is obligated to love me.

Witches of East End

Thank you, Kimberli, for introducing me to this wonderful show that only has two seasons. A witch, Joanna, is cursed with eternal motherhood, meaning that she is nearly immortal but her daughters are doomed to die young and immediately after their burial Joanna becomes 9-months pregnant once again and must raise the girls (only to watch them die young again).


One of the things I love about this show is that most of the cast is female, and they’re all strong in very different ways. Like with Gilmore Girls, I love that Joanna is so empathetic and nurturing and there’s a lot of anger and forgiveness being thrown around. It’s a fun imaginative world to get lost in, and it’s so melodramatic at times it’s hard to see your life reflected in the characters. Unless you find yourself caught between two equally attractive and tall brothers in which case fuck you and your beautiful life.

Pacific Rim

An old fave to get cozy with. I think the best thing about the “romance” in this movie is how understated it is.


It’s nice to see these two drift-compatible damaged souls make googly eyes at each other while saying “NO! I must not give in to my feelings, we’re battling ALIENS FROM THE SEA!!

Like with most action movies, females are severely underrepresented. Mako is pretty much the only one. But at least the remainder of the cast is nice to look at. We’ve got:

  • Charlie Hunnam (Raleigh Beckett, rugged dreamy jager pilot, will physically fight you in lieu of romance)
  • Idris Elba (Stacker Pentecost, protective papa bear of adopted orphan)
  • Charlie Day (Dr. Newton Geiszler, adorable bickering scientist with a skinny tie and tattoos)
  • Assorted attractive side characters

The X-Files

Old, cheesy, and a bajillion seasons long — I’ve had this recommended to me countless times and now is as good a time as any to start. Plus I know it’s a while before any romance develops so I’m safe on that front.

The X-Files

Just some good old fashioned alien fun. Like Witches of East End the imaginative story is a great distraction. David Duchovny isn’t really my cup of tea as far as eye candy goes but Gillian Anderson makes up for it.

What’s Your Number?

This was the movie I watched the first night after the break up and I didn’t think it would be my first choice. In all honesty I think I just wanted something on that wouldn’t make me cry. You know what doesn’t make me cry? Naked Chris Evans with a strategically placed guitar.

It ended up being a good choice because despite the predictable story, Anna Faris made me laugh and I always remember this is the film where she and Chris Pratt met for the first time (talking about their bug collections) and now they’re one of my favourite Hollywood couples. Also, did I mention Chris Pratt is in this?

I can’t quite put my finger on why this movie helped me. I think it just has an air of “young female fumbles at life, still ends up okay” that comforts me as long as you take on your problems with a game plan and a healthy sense of humour.

I also liked that the sisters are friends and when shit hits the fan, Anna Faris’s character can go to her sister. TV and movies are always trying to teach me that siblings are for fighting with, but that’s not the case. Sometimes if they’re not in a bad mood you can lean on a sibling. My brother was very kind and empathetic when I recounted my story to him, until he said “I’m bad at this, go talk to mom.”

To be totally honest with you all, I’ve mostly just been watching Gilmore Girls but what my heart really wants is…

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

I haven’t watched this yet, but it’s all I’ve wanted to watch. Netflix took it off their list (at least in Canada) so this will be an honourable mention. I bought the 50th anniversary Blu-ray from Amazon but it’s not expected to get here until December.

Ever since I watched this movie for the first time, I’ve watched it whenever I was sad. Somehow it makes me feel better seeing Audrey Hepburn also not know what the fuck is happening in her life. Plus there’s a cat named Cat.

At some point I’ll probably have to experience a show or movie that has sensitive emotional ties but for now I’m good to stay in my Netflix cave and hiss at passersby.