My Internal Monologue of Weight Gain (and Loss)

I try to stay as body positive as I can in public, digital and IRL, but I’m not about to pretend that I don’t have any hangups about my body. I try to make a habit of reminding myself that all bodies are good and there is nothing wrong with carrying a bit of extra weight, but I find that these two parts of my brain bicker like an old married couple.

I eat more (and extremely poorly) when I’m going through some emotional turbulence. These days it’s been a mix of dad-related anxiety and mourning my late kitty.

Little man got hit by a car. He was 3 years old.

Hawksley used to try to eat all the cats’ food until he made himself sick. I 100% used this logic in justifying my overeating. Hawksley would want me to gorge my face. I’m honouring him!

Some days I’ll tell myself that eating so much unhealthy food is not being kind to my body. My skin is breaking out and my energy levels are low. At the same time: fuck all y’all I want Cheetos and I have makeup for my skin. People try to act like gaining weight is the worst thing that can happen to you and I don’t want to buy into that narrative by becoming overly concerned with my weight.

(at least that’s what I tell myself)

So I allow myself to gain some weight, and not fault myself too much for my emotional eating “away move” (as we call it in therapy). What’s the worst that can happen?

I get mistaken for pregnant. Some dude at work wished my luck with my pregnancy. Didn’t ask, just wished me luck. I’m not overly affected by it since I know I gain weight solely in my belly. I’m a little soft. Could pass for 3-4 months preggo I guess.

Worry not! I’m good at picking out flattering clothes. Except… woops, nothing fits anymore. Leggings, let me embrace you! I’m just going to pretend my denim collection isn’t there.

Now I gotta fit back into my clothes because I’m certainly not going to pay money for new clothes as a result of eating too much cheesecake.

Time to re-discover my love of fitness. I really genuinely like to work out, but getting started after a break like this is always difficult and telling yourself “I want to be thinner” doesn’t always cut it. What does cut it is “I want to be strong again” and not getting winded by the stairs. It may take a while but I’ll get back on track with eating well, indulging within moderation, and working out, and slowly my body begins to feel like my own again instead of the physical results of emotional strain.

Soon I’ll be back to being a boss champ and posting to my fitness Instagram more regularly (@nikfitonium). At least until the next emotional crisis.